Sometimes I feel like I'm hearing voices. Not the really crazy kind, just the back and forth, play the angles, get you all confused kind.
This is what it sounds like:
If we didn't do any other interventions from this point on, we would still conceive "naturally" at some point. I mean, they don't even know for sure why I'm not getting pregnant now.
But what if you don't. You're young now. If you wait another 3-4 years and then try IVF it may be too late.
I know, that's what I'm afraid of. I just wish it would happen now.
This barren time is here to teach you to be at peace and let go of control.
That's ridiculous. This time is only what I make of it. There's no supernatural reason for the state of my womb. It may be a good time to work on my control issues while I'm waiting, but that doesn't mean it will change anything.
You need to wait until you're really ready to do IVF. It will require more of you than you know. Much more than you've had to give up to this point.
How can I ever be ready? What does that even mean? Ready to submit my body to science in hopes of creating life?
That's a little dramatic, don't you think? "Submit your body to science" it's not like they're going to dissect you.
Maybe not, but it just isn't the way I thought it would be. It's not how I wanted it to be. Why is it so hard?!
You're making it even harder by beating yourself up all the time. Just relax. Take a break if you need to.
How can I? There's no real break until we play out all our options and settle somewhere.
What if you shifted all this energy you're putting into trying to get pregnant into some other pursuit? Explore your creativity, throw yourself into your work, go deep into meditation, become a yogi, go back to school, move overseas. This is still your life. You can do so many things.
But I really want a baby. Sooner than later. Maybe I will do those things, but I don't feel like I can do much of anything until I get some resolution to the baby issue.
Fine, if that's really how you feel then go for it, but not right now. You're still too vulnerable from the disappointments and failures of the past year. Take a month to breathe and gather your strength to start again.
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Mom to a healthy and spirited boy thanks to a successful round of IVF. Since then I've had two first trimester losses. The journey continues...
About Me
- CC
- California, United States
- MM and I have been married for 11 years. We were blissfully childless for 6 of those years, then it started to get painful. In our late 20's, we thought we were too young for this sort of thing. We soon learned that infertility is not a respecter of age or good living. After a year and a half of trying (with lots of "help"), and a somewhat challenging pregnancy (preterm labor, gestational diabetes, etc.) we had our son at home December 28, 2008 at term. After so many years of waiting and wondering, I was finally a mom. Now we want to expand our family again. So far it isn't going the way I had hoped.
A "Brief" History
- May 2011: Loss at 6 weeks gestation
- November 2010: Loss at 9 weeks gestation
- December 28 2008: Jonas is Born! 6 lb 12 oz.
- May 15 2008: 6w US-singleton
- April 2008: IVF #1-BFP!!
- February 2008: Medicated IUI #4-BFN
- January 2008: Medicated IUI #3-BFN
- December 2007: New RE.
- September-December 2007: No meds. Just us. Lots of sex. No babies.
- September 2007: Re-started acupuncture.
- August 2007: Medicated IUI #2-BFN
- August 2007: HSG shows potentially obstructed left fallopian tube.
- July 2007: Clomid with timed intercourse-BFN
- June 2007: Medicated IUI #1-BFN
- May 2007: First appt with RE. Quit acupuncture.
- March 2007: Started acupuncture.
- December 2006: Made an appointment with an RE, then canceled it. Maybe FSH isn't all that important.
- November 2006: Promptly stopped any form of contraception and hoped for the best.
- October 2006: 3 Day FSH 10.7. Ouch. Wasn't ready for that.
- September 2006: Started obsessing about my cycles after an RE gave a lunch CME at work. Noticed my cycles seemed to be getting shorter. Wondered if we should start trying.
- June 2003: Laparoscopy and HSG. Diagnosed with mild endometriosis. Both tubes were patent, so nothing to worry about fertility wise (or so we were told).
5 comments:
I have the voices, too.
I think most of IFers do.
I wish I had a MUTE button for my brain.
Take care.
Does "MM" have voices in his head too? If he does, maybe his voices and your voices could have a "conversation" and help the 2 of you decide what's best for the next step.
I'm so sorry that you are having this struggle.
-Daisha
love you jess. hope you find all of your answers. and some MUCH needed peace. praying for a baby.
I am sorry...I just now got a chance to check your blog. I wanted to talk to you when Jon call MM but wondered if I should wait, I didn't want to bring it up in a question "Did you test?" unless you wanted too...I can only imagine the disappointment. (((HUGS)))
I think we all have voices, even if some won't admit to it. Some are negative (or really negative and bad in cases like schizophrenia) those are the ones to ignore...the ones that repeat that all is doomed, or you are a failure. But some make sense, right? I don't know you, but after going through so much "trying" your body does need to recoup. As well as your mind and spirit. That's exactly what my acupuncturist had me do. And in and of itself...it was one of the best things I (we--- but I was the crazy emotional one by far) did during that TTC time. In some ways i don't see it as big separate time b/c I didn't stop wanting a baby...I stopped trying though to have control over something I really never did that much. Mostly, I gave myself permission to stop worrying and thinking about it. It doesn't mean you won't pursue IVF in the near time future, or perhaps not, but it will give you some time to unwind and then gather your strength together.
Sending love,
Miriam
My voices never shut up...I agree with Frenchie, we need a MUTE button.
Im sorry they are so loud right now....
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