Three down...? to go

There's really no reason to drag it out any longer. I'm not pregnant. This cycle "failed". I thought I wouldn't take it so hard this time. I tried not to get my expectations up, but I'm just not that strong. I wish I could face this deep disappointment with grace and strength, but I can't do much more than just go on. Even that is hard sometimes.

I am tired--deeply tired. I guess most people have been there at some point. The kind of tired that comes from waiting and hoping again and again, from enduring disappointment and loss. The cycle of hope and despair is taking its toll. It's just as painful as it was the first time. It's not getting easier. Every month I feel my body failing me in a way that's hard to explain. It's a disappointment to me, my husband, our family, and everyone who cares about us and there's no end in sight.

I have read the blogs of women who have been on this path much longer than I have, and while it's good to know that life goes on after the third or fourth IVF cycle, it's also scary to think I may be there someday. I'm also afraid of the toll this may take on relationships. At what point do friends and family start to loose hope and instead see us as sad and angry? Will I loose hope? How much disappointment and failure can I take? Will it ever cease to feel like this?

1/24: I wrote this post last night when everything was a little more raw. I cried a lot. MM was great (and disappointed of course). I was able to see my therapist this morning where I cried a lot more. Right now I'm feeling much better and am preparing to face another cycle.