Aww Shucks

Thank you so much for all the hugs and kind words. It's good to know that there are people willing to sit with me in my grief and (someday) in my joy.

OK, I'm done gushing now. No time to rest. That's one of the worst parts of this process, the competing need to rest and keep going at the same time. From the day I start my period I have to start thinking about the next cycle. Call the office...get more meds...the count begins again. This cycle we're going back to Clomid (I didn't feel noticeably different on the Letrazole) with another IUI (#4).

Thanks again for the support. It helps.

Three down...? to go

There's really no reason to drag it out any longer. I'm not pregnant. This cycle "failed". I thought I wouldn't take it so hard this time. I tried not to get my expectations up, but I'm just not that strong. I wish I could face this deep disappointment with grace and strength, but I can't do much more than just go on. Even that is hard sometimes.

I am tired--deeply tired. I guess most people have been there at some point. The kind of tired that comes from waiting and hoping again and again, from enduring disappointment and loss. The cycle of hope and despair is taking its toll. It's just as painful as it was the first time. It's not getting easier. Every month I feel my body failing me in a way that's hard to explain. It's a disappointment to me, my husband, our family, and everyone who cares about us and there's no end in sight.

I have read the blogs of women who have been on this path much longer than I have, and while it's good to know that life goes on after the third or fourth IVF cycle, it's also scary to think I may be there someday. I'm also afraid of the toll this may take on relationships. At what point do friends and family start to loose hope and instead see us as sad and angry? Will I loose hope? How much disappointment and failure can I take? Will it ever cease to feel like this?

1/24: I wrote this post last night when everything was a little more raw. I cried a lot. MM was great (and disappointed of course). I was able to see my therapist this morning where I cried a lot more. Right now I'm feeling much better and am preparing to face another cycle.

One week down...one to go

I wish I had something interesting to report, but there's really nothing going on. Our biology dictates this two week wait without sign or symptom and there's nothing nice about it. I was able to sustain my positive momentum for the first 5 days after the IUI. I was visualizing fertilization, the cells dividing, implantation, the whole nine yards. One can only do that for so long. I hit the wall.

Today I feel like I'm probably not pregnant, but that's the trick of it all, there's really no way to know at this point. I have started taking my BBT again, which may be of some use I guess. I've stayed a pretty steady 97.6 since ovulation (which is actually higher than baseline for me), but I keep expecting the big drop every morning when I wake up.

Everyone who has been through it knows that this 2ww seems like such a cruel mind game. I just want to know so I can cry (from joy or grief) and get on with it. Thanks for waiting with me.

Addicted to Acupuncture

It's never good when your acupuncturist calls past 9PM.
I've been looking forward to my treatment this week since our IUI on Sat. I even contemplated trying to squeeze in an extra visit this week, then decided that was a little ridiculous. I mean, who even knows if this stuff works, right? So when I got the message that she was getting over a bad stomach flu and needed to reschedule I almost cried. I know I should be more compassionate toward her but all I could think was, "What, this is the most important week for me? I've been diligently taking my herbs, rubbing progesterone cream on my belly nightly, and eating more eggs and seeds than I care to admit. I need my acupuncture." I held it together and called her back to tell her our IUI was Sat. and that it would mean so much to me if she could see me anytime tomorrow. I need the needles. I guess she sensed my desperation, so she's seeing me early tomorrow morning. Thanks Laurel!

The Report

IUI #3 went smoothly. It was our first one at UCSF, so a few things were different. The biggest differences being 1.) MM had to "produce" there at the clinic due to the timing and distance and 2.) we weren't the only ones there on a Sat AM for IUI. It's a strange feeling to be in a room with other couples who you know are there for the same thing you are. You can't exactly strike up a conversation about it, but a part of me wants to.

We had a little time between specimen production and insemination, so went out for brunch. I planned to have an omelelet (my acupuncturist recommend I eat lots of eggs and seeds during this time--a little weird, but what the heck), unfortunately we accidentally ended up at a vegan restaurant, so eggs were out of the question. It was a good, healthy meal nonetheless.

When we arrived back for the IUI we got the Semen Preparation Report. Our previous clinic would just give us a generic, "looks good" or something, but here we got the full report: volume, motility, progression, total motile count--the works. Everything checked out great and MM was pleased with himself. It's crazy to think that 0.3 mL of washed, spun semen can have 47 million sperm. Surely my stubborn eggs will accept one of them, right?

We left the office feeling pretty good. Now we just wait. I got some new herbs to keep me busy (I feel better when I'm doing something), and am trying to meditate to keep myself a little more sane and less anxious in the wait. All positive thoughts are appreciated. I'll let you know how it goes.

Right on track...

It's cycle day 12 and I got my positive LH surge today! That means we go to the city for IUI in the morning. Send me good egg vibes :). I'll send a complete update in the next few days.

Surge

That's what I'm waiting for these days-- a surge of LH (luteinizing hormone). That surge triggers ovulation and lets us know it's time for our IUI.

How does one detect a surge? Pee on a stick of course. My new protocol dictates that said pee should be tested between 12 and 3:30 PM, which means I brought my clear blue easy to work and will be discretely testing on my lunch break. Isn't that special. I opted for the basic model, so I don't get the smiley face, just two blue lines. Why do they make the LH predictor kits so much like pregnancy tests? I keep thinking I'm going to pee on the wrong stick one of these days, though I think I went through my stash of pregnancy tests.

This half of the cycle is the easy (well easier) part. The hopeful time when anything is possible. I'm meditating on strong and healthy eggs and looking for the second blue line that means I'm going to ovulate. I so hope it works this time. It seems too good to be true. What if this was really the last month of me not being pregnant? I can hardly imagine. This process, this desire, has become so much a part of my life. What if I got what I wanted? I hope, I hope, I hope!

The Breakup

I need to tell my previous doctor that I'm seeing someone else. It just wasn't working between us. I think she knows her stuff and is totally competent, but her bedside manner is harsh and cold. I also feel like she's too aggressive and doesn't listen. That being said, I don't want to totally burn the bridge. I still may have to have limited professional interaction with her and I guess there's always a possibility I would need to go back to her at some point.

So I have some options. I could just tell her I'm not going to do the IVF cycle in Feb as planned, and that I'll let her know when I'm ready. That would be partly true. But if I gave her honest feedback about the reason I'm leaving it might give her a little wake-up call. Realistically though, she's probably heard it before and isn't going to change much at this point. Anybody else have experience dumping doctors?

New Year-New Cycle

This isn't fun anymore. I've been on hiatus from any medical treatments since August. When we stopped, the plan was always to restart in 2008. I thought after 4 months off I'd be ready to "do" something again. And up until a few days ago I was. I didn't want anything to get in the way of starting treatments with this cycle. But for some reason when day one came and it was actually time to pick up the meds and get started I just didn't want to. I want to get pregnant the way "everyone" else does. Without any pills or intrauterine inseminations or urine tests. I'm mad that this is the way it is. I'm not excited (even though everyone acts like I should be) and I'm not very hopeful. I'm just doing it because it's the next step and there's an 8-10/100 chance it could work. Maybe I'll be one of the eight. But odds are I won't. This is just how it is, so here I go again.