One thing I still have a hard time getting away from with all this is the need for cause and effect. I believe (I think I've said this before) that some things just happen. There's no reason, at least no good reason. Still, I find my self wondering, trying to pin the blame on something.
Yes, my doctors have given me reasons: my hormones are off, my left tube is blocked, I don't have many antral folicles, I have endometriosis...but why is all that stuff messed up?
"Well, I did have a glass of wine that night...I didn't eat very much today...I have a stressful job...I forgot to take my herbs...it's been a while since I went to yoga...I can't take care of myself sometimes, maybe I'm not ready for a baby..."
In my rational mind I know that none of these things are preventing me from conceiving right now, but when I'm looking for a reason it's easy to go there--to blame myself somehow. It must be my fault. Something I did or didn't do. I don't know if there's really any getting over that feeling. I am working on it though, and it's not as strong as it has been.
It's a hard balance. I know what I do or don't do has an impact, so I want to do everything I can, while at the same time leaving space for the mysterious. As I've said before, a lot of stuff doesn't make sense, and I have to learn to live with that.
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2 comments:
I have always struggled with this too. I firmly believe that things just happen. Coincidence or not, there just aren't reasons to explain everything. Putting the pressure on your self to be in control will be only that... pressure! Which I am sure you don't need any more of! We definitely can't control everything and end up having to accept things as they come. (This is a lesson from my adoption journey :)) Once we become parents, we will be parents FOREVER--so we should focus on enjoying the non-parent life! (or at least this is what I keep telling myself! and, sometimes it really works.)
Amen to that Kat. I am trying to teach myself the same thing. Jessica I went through the same thing. I lost 3 and through everyone of my miscarriages I thought I did something wrong. The first one I didn't think that I ate enough so the 2nd one I pigged out the last one I thought maybe I stressed out too much. Then I thought God might be punishing me for something so I kept trying to fix things and that still didn't help. Sometimes we have to just not look for a reason all though we want an explanation. It is hard to look at others who are not good parents and wonder why they didn't have to "wait for God's timing". I am hear for you if you ever need to talk. Your thought process is very healthy, or so I have been told. Hang in there!
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