Saturday, August 18, 2007

Mixed Feelings


This little graphic pretty much sums it up. There are so many conflicting feelings associated with infertility. Sometimes I'm just sad, other times I'm angry about the apparent injustice of it all, and then there's the guilt. I feel guilty for waiting when I knew I had endometriosis, guilty for putting my personal and professional goals before my desire for a family. We all make our choices, and I don't know if I would have done it any other way, but sometimes I still feel guilty. I'm happy I have options, and sad that I have to work so hard for something that should be so natural. I'm afraid I'll try everything and nothing will work.

My feelings about friends and family with small children or who are pregnant can be complicated and confusing as well. I am usually able to separate my sadness from the joy I feel for them, but there are twinges now and then that are hard to avoid. It's usually more of a "left out" feeling than real jealousy. I want to have the experience too, but can't, at least for now. If you're reading this and are a friend, I still want to know if you're pregnant and I'll still love to play with your kids. I am truly happy for you, I'm just sad for me too. I'm trying to recognize these feelings without judgement and accept them as they come. It's all part of the deal.

7 comments:

Brett, April, Caden & baby #2 said...

Thank you for telling me about your blog. You know that I love you and Marcus and want to support you the best way I can. Please know that I am continuing to pray for you and your future family. I will look forward to each new blog post so I can stay updated & educated with you guys.
April

The Luchauers said...

Jessicca,
I absolutely LOVE your honesty. I want to just wrap you up in a huge hug right now! I love you dearly and hurt with you as you deal with all of these conflicting feelings.
-Sonya

Drew Custer said...

Jessica,
I want to hug you too! It took me a little over a year to get pregnant with Hannah after I got off the pill and then I had the tubal pregnancy and lost my left tube and the pregnancy. It is a painful season of life when you are feeling so uncertain about something you want so much. I don't know how long you guys have been trying but I can certainly identify with your feelings and fears. I really believe that it is going to happen for you. I am going to ask God that 1. You will get pregnant soon! and 2. That he will comfort you in this time of waiting. Love you.
Jamie

kathryn said...

Oh my gosh! I will go as far as to say that it was jealousy. Soon after we stopped trying and started the adoption process, one of our close couple friends got pregnant after trying for only two months!! I was heartbroken. They now have their baby (he was born a couple of days after my birthday) and we still don't have ours, and he is wonderful... but sometimes still a reminder of what I was unable to do. Don't get me wrong... we are still good friends with our friends, he is a sweet sweet baby, and my feelings aren't intense everyday... but, sometimes it IS hard. :)

Suzanne said...

jess...i LOVE your honestly. thank you for sharing such a deep part of your soul with us. so many people have felt what are you are going through (ME being one of them...especially about seeing other people with babies) and your words have such a healing quality to them. still praying everyday that YOU and YOUR body will be able to conceive and deliver a healthy baby (or two) ;).

Gioietta said...

(((Jessicca)))

I can almost feel the pain...it doesn't seem that long ago that I was in the grisp of it. Because of our losses too I struggled with depression and was on medication off and on, seeing therapist. It is so hard. I just can't describe it. It is grief, what you are feeling. Every time a period comes (or doesn't b/c you don't ovulate, like it was for me) you are grieving that dream, that wish...and grieving is a hard place to be when in company. But you can teach so much to others, and now you have so much to give to others who are 'grieving' for their own disappointments. Don't ever feel bad about your feelings. Feelings just are and are not who you are. Love, Miriam

Kathy V said...

I came via the creme. Thanks for this post. It is so true. You can be feeling a multitude of emotions all at the same time. Plus I feel as you said "left out." I feel like I don't fit in with people outside of the computer sometimes. I love seeing and playing with other people's kids but at the same time I don't. I know that in reality I just want it to be me experiencing the same pride and joy for my own children. Thanks again for this post.