The moment we've all been waiting for...

Sorry to have left everyone waiting so long for this post. I wasn’t trying to be mean, just wanted to make some phone calls first, then didn’t have wireless like I thought we would this weekend.

I resisted the urge to take a home pregnancy test (mostly because I asked our house mate to hide them) because I decided it would be best to wait for a meaningful result. A paired beta Hcg would be meaningful--a negative or positive home pregnancy test wouldn’t give me as much info. Besides, I had based my plans for work and travel around the assumption that we would find out Wednesday night or Thursday morning. If I waited until then, MM and I would have 3 days together to either celebrate together or comfort each other. That didn't make the wait any easier.

Wednesday was a long day. I got up early and went for a walk with a girlfriend before going in for my second beta. I asked the MA at the office who took my blood if they really made women come in for the second one even if the first one was zero. She said yes. Apparently since she started working there 5 years ago, 2 women have had a positive second beta after their first one was zero. It still seems cruel. I asked them to call the results to MMs phone and leave a message. We decided we would listen to the message together when we both got home from work. After a therapeutic muffin and herbal tea at a local coffee shop, I went to work for one of the most distracted days ever.

During our lunch meeting I looked longingly at my friend and co-worker’s belly—she’s 34 weeks pregnant—and wondered if that would ever be me. I made it through the rest of the day, including a long evening clinic, before I got home to meet MM and get our results. I know I wrote a rather hopeful post on Tuesday night, but by Wednesday I had convinced myself that I probably wasn’t pregnant, but that I would be OK. MM was worried too. I reassured him that I really would survive. Then we listened to the message, “This is Jamie from Dr. __ office. I’m supposed to leave a message with your results. Your wife is totally pregnant…” there was some more after that about instructions for follow-up, etc. but we had both stopped listening. I really couldn’t believe it. I’m pregnant! I’ve never been pregnant and now I am. I thought I would feel different.

It was strange after so many negative results to finally get the positive we’ve been waiting for. Suddenly I'm shifting gears from trying to get pregnant to trying to take care of the little life inside me. Of course I'm aware that this pregnancy is still very early and anything could happen. Right now though, I'm pregnant, and that's cause for lots of celebration.

This experience is at the same time deeply affirming and humbling. I can't help but think about all the other women who are still waiting for their positive. They want it just as bad. Why did it work for me and not them? The mystery and randomness of life is hard to comprehend.

The looming question now is still, how many babies. We won’t know until our ultrasound on May 15th. My quants were 167 and 409. Anybody want to take a guess--one or two?