"Expect Period Here"

That's what it says on my cycle calendar for today and sure enough--it came. For the first time in 17 months I didn't have to wonder if I was pregnant. I had no hope or expectation for two lines since I've been on birth control pills for the past 4 weeks. Those little pills are amazingly effective, especially if you're infertile anyway.

This period puts us right on track for the ultrasound on Thursday. The goal is "quiet" ovaries with no cysts or dominant follicles that would delay the start of stimulation. If everything checks out OK I'll start the FSH injections on Thursday night. I'm getting excited, and a little nervous. Thanks for checking in!

Baby in a Box

First of all I want to say thank you to everyone who commented on the last ICSI post. It was helpful to get more perspectives.

In the end I had a conversation with my doc about it and we decided not to do it. She said she was just worried that I might not have very many eggs to work with, but I think we'll be fine. As far as the "rescue ICSI" you all were right. She said there's no proven efficacy, so they don't do it.

In other news, I finally got my box of meds last week which I have lovingly nicknamed my "baby in a box". The whole process was a bit of a saga, but in the end they arrived on time and intact.

I started my Lupron injections this morning. So far I haven't had any hot flashes, mood swings, or short-term memory loss. I'll keep you posted.

My target week for egg harvest and embryo transfer is April 14th. It's coming soon and I'm feeling more and more confident about our decision to go ahead with it. I initially thought I wouldn't make the April cycle, and was thrown off a bit by the sooner-than-anticipated start. I even considered putting it off another month for no particular reason. I just wasn't sure I was "ready", whatever that means. How can you ever be ready for this?

So here we go. I'm expecting a roller coaster. I just hope that I'm exhilarated and smiling at the end, not throwing up and crying.

ICSI

I need a little input. For those of you that have been here, what can you tell me about ICSI? We aren't dealing with any male factor issues, but one of my doctors is recommending it (at least she wants me to go ahead and pay for it). I'd rather not do it at this point (I think I've signed up for about all the intervention I can stand already). Thoughts?

A Welcome Reminder

Over the past month I've had an unusually large number of opportunities to hang out with friends and their kids. I knew it was coming, and was honestly a little nervous about how I would handle it all. In the end it was great. Hanging out with these kids didn't make me bitter (though I'm aware that if this IVF cycle doesn't work out I could easily go there), it just reminded me that I really love kids and I'd be a good mom. This isn't just a quest just to get pregnant (though that is admittedly the first hurdle), it's a quest to have a child and be a mom. It seems obvious, but sometimes I get lost in the process.

Thanks Hannah, Jeremiah, Sadie, Arlo, Ella, and Landon. I've had lots of fun with you and think I'm ready for one of my own.

and the winner is....

After a week and a half of weighing the options (surgery & waiting vs. IVF) we've decided to go the IVF route (applause & support please).

There were several road blocks to surgery including insurance issues (Dr. C isn't covered on my plan), cost (still not clear if insurance would cover it, even if we changed Docs), and wait time (2 months minimum, then 6-12 months of "trying" again). We just decided that for us right now IVF seems like the best option. It still sounds strange to say, and I'm not completely confident in the decision, but I'm getting there.

The Dance

MM and I visited this amazing gallery in Mendocino when we were there a few weeks ago. We were walking back into town after catching the sunset. It was after six and all the other galleries were closed, but the Wisdom House was open. We had to check it out.

The artist was there, trying to close up I'm sure, but she didn't rush us. The large canvas works were incredible, but decidedly out of my price range. I found some reasonably priced and beautiful cards that combined Shiloh's artwork with the poetry of Alice Walker. I couldn't find the image online for my favorite, but it said simply, "Hard Times Require Furious Dancing". I had to smile.

Maybe this isn't true for everyone, but I've found that good music and dancing is just about the best pick-me-up. When my body is moving with the rhythm I feel connected to the energy of life. I could be at a live concert or home alone in my living room, it doesn't really matter. I can't be sad when I'm dancing.

Maybe Alice was right, what the world needs is more dancing, less suffering.

No Wrong Decision

Yesterday MM and I went to see Dr. C. Our appointment was at 7:30 AM about 30 miles from home. With commuter traffic, we were less than thrilled, but glad she was able to squeeze us in. I didn't sleep well the night before because I was alternately afraid that we would 1.) oversleep and miss the appointment or 2.) we would arrive on time only to find that the appointment was actually at 7:30 PM or some other day altogether. Luckily neither nightmare came to pass. We arrived at the appointed date and time.

This appointment was one of those, "Where do we go from here?" visits that you'd just rather not have. She answered all our questions and laid out our options as she saw them. We could attempt a tubal repair (the integrity of the left tube is still questionable) then try "the old fashioned way" for another 6 months to a year or we could move on to IVF. Insurance may or may not cover the surgery ($20K if not covered) and the success rate is unknown, since we won't know exactly what we're dealing with until after the procedure. As I said before, she's pretty conservative, so if it weren't for my low antral follicle count (8 as opposed to 20) she would definitely recommend the surgical option. But since the count is so low, it makes things a little more gray. I think she could see our stress in trying to make the "right" decision. She finally looked at us and said, "There's no wrong decision, do whatever feels best to you." We're taking some time to look into all the options, but are leaning toward an IVF cycle sooner than later.

If I could see the future this would be so much simpler. My fear with the surgery is that we'll try for another year and be in this same place next year, only I'm a year older. Of course I would prefer to conceive "the old fashioned way" but maybe I need to just get over it.