Toe in

Now that I'm 4 months and safely out of the first trimester, I've been able to take hold of this whole pregnancy thing a little more. I've been doing some online searches for baby items, checking out the local retailers, and hitting the consignment and second-hand stores. I haven't actually bought anything baby yet--I'm trying to be an informed and cautious shopper--but I'm definitely testing the waters. If you have kids or have looked into "the industry" it can get a bit overwhelming. I really don't want to go consumer crazy. I've decided that craigslist might be my new best friend.

As for the belly, it continues to grow. I am very grateful to have friends who delivered before me (who are more or less my size), which has cut down on my maternity buying considerably. MM asked the other day, "How much bigger is it going to get?" At first I was a little upset, then I realized he was just sincerely curious. He loves me and my belly at any size.

We had an appointment with our midwife today. I was a little nervous, just because I hadn't had a Doppler or ultrasound since the bleeding episode, but everything looked great. Heart rate in the 150's, uterus sized for my dates, weight and everything right on track. The next exciting step is our level II ultrasound which is scheduled for August 7th. After much thought and minor disagreements, we have decided to find out the gender of this little one if he/she will cooperate. We're so thrilled just to be pregnant, that we don't care what it is--as long as it's a baby. So cast your vote, and we'll let you in on the results in a few weeks!

Baby Bump

You asked, so here I am at 15 weeks. An almost unmistakeably pregnant belly. I went shopping with a skinny girlfriend who's 1 year postpartum the other day. I had to admit that the only pants I'll be buying for the next 6 months will be unflattering and stretchy. Oh well.

Bright Spots

I went for my prenatal intake appointment a few weeks ago. I'm a pretty healthy girl (except for the whole IF thing), and hadn't been to the doctor for anything other than fertility-related concerns in over 3 years.

The prenatal intake is extensive. They want to know about everything that has ever been wrong with you or anyone related to you. It's also a bunch of social history questions (drugs, alcohol, etc.). I'm pretty boring all the way around. Then she got to the psychiatric history, "Have you ever been depressed?" Until about a year ago I would have said no, not really. But as you can imagine, the experience of infertility can be a pretty serious blow to the psyche. The support of friends and family was great, but there really is something different about the therapeutic relationship.

I've mentioned going to counseling sessions a couple of times on the blog, but today I felt like giving a little credit to my therapist. I started seeing therapist last spring just before my first appointment with the RE. I've seen her almost every week since then. Some sessions it seemed like I didn't do much except cry. At other times we were able to explore my fears and feelings about family and what it is to be a woman. I've learned to examine myself and my reactions, and to be more authentic in relationships.

The day after I found out I was pregnant I was scheduled to have a phone session with therapist (we were traveling and I couldn't see her in person). On the phone with therapist, for the first time since getting the great news, I cried. I was overwhelmed with appreciation for the relationship that we have developed over the past year and for the ways in which she has helped me grow. That's the crazy thing about therapy. If done well, it creates space and a safe relationship where you are able to question, examine, and grow. Over a year later, pregnant and waiting, I'm a healthier person at least in part because of my work with therapist. I feel more ready to handle motherhood or whatever else comes. If it hadn't been for this whole IF thing, I might never have made the effort to go to therapy. That's my bright spot for today.

Disaster Averted

Thank you so much for all the thoughts and words of support. After resting for the past 2 days things lightened up considerably, so I went back to work today. I gave myself permission to leave anytime if the bleeding returned, but so far so good. The bleeding seems to have stopped and I feel fine. I'm definitely a little more guarded and cautious than I was before, but am mostly back to my positive pregnant self. Thanks again. I'll keep you posted on me and the babe.

Scared

Yesterday morning I woke up with a scare--bright red blood. Not a ton, but enough to cause a little freak out. I pulled it together enough to call my midwife who told me to come in right away. I was off work (day after my b-day) and planned to spend a fun day with MM and his dad who is visiting from China. Plans changed.

We left dad at home and went to the clinic to try and find out why I was bleeding. My midwife was great. She said bleeding is never good, but she bled for a month with her 3rd child--heavy--and everything turned out OK. So although she always takes it seriously, she's not quite as scared about it as she used to be.

The little one was still squirming around inside on ultrasound, heart beating and everything. My cervix was closed and long, but the bleeding was definitely coming from there. She said it looked like part of the placenta may have separated from the wall of my uterus. There's nothing to do but wait. She told me to take it easy for a few days and come back if the bleeding gets worse. So far I'm not having any cramping, I'm just laying around at home trying to convince this little baby to stick around. I was just starting to let myself be really excited now that I'm 14 weeks. I don't know what I would do if we lost this child. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's scary. We're just waiting--again.