Tilt-A-Whirl

I've had a crazy month and finally felt like writing about. This old spot in the virtual world seemed the most appropriate place to do it.

Our son is closing in on 2 years the end of December. He's amazing. This post is not about him.

In August MM and I had a casual chat about contraception and the possibility of having #2. We naturally thought it would take us some time to conceive, but finally felt like we were at a place that even if the unthinkable happened and we got pregnant without intervention, and soon, that we would be OK.

You probably know where this is going, now. October 17th I had a positive pregnancy test. TWO MONTHS after being off birth control. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! We couldn't believe it. After the shock wore off we started getting really exited. I had only been pregnant once before, through IVF, so I thought that was my only real hurdle, the getting pregnant part. Of course we were still cautiously optimistic for the first few weeks, but then at 7 weeks (when I couldn't stand the waiting), one of the OB/GYNs in my office did an US for me (while I waited for my first official prenatal appointment) where I saw one lovely intrauterine pregnancy, a beating heart, and a healthy yolk sac. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING I thought.

Last Tuesday we had that first official prenatal appointment with "big HMO". MM and I were in the exam room together, my lying on the exam table looking at the ultrasound screen, expecting to see a 9 week fetus and that same reassuring heartbeat, but it was still. No movement. I watched the screen as she moved the probe around, turned the sound up, shifted the contrast on the screen. Nothing. I knew what I was seeing, but didn't want to believe it. She sent us down for a formal ultrasound to confirm what the office ultrasound showed. It did of course.

MM and I took the rest of the day off together. I felt physically fine, no cramping or bleeding, nothing that would have clued me into a problem with the pregnancy. We took a drive, went to the beach, watched a movie, cried and talked. Since I had a trip planned for the following week and wanted to avoid prolonging the inevitable, we went with the D&C option. I went on with life as usual Wednesday and Thursday, and went in on Friday AM for the procedure. MM was with me, and it went as well as those things can I suppose.

Now it's over and part of me feels like it never was. The whole thing was so unexpected and unbelievable. I wanted to believe the universe was paying me back for all the trouble the first time around, but that wasn't the way it turned out.

It's amazing what your mind can do. I only knew I was pregnant for less than 5 weeks, but in that time I saw the rest of our life as a family changed. Jonas with a younger sibling, just 2 1/2 years apart, like me and my brother. A summer baby with time off to bond and hang out with my two kiddos. Family vacations with the four of us. You get the idea.

This last month has been up, down, and around. Sometimes things seemed to be moving too fast, other times in slow motion. Now here I am in a place I didn't want to be. Wanting. It doesn't feel so casual any more.