Baby Bump

You asked, so here I am at 15 weeks. An almost unmistakeably pregnant belly. I went shopping with a skinny girlfriend who's 1 year postpartum the other day. I had to admit that the only pants I'll be buying for the next 6 months will be unflattering and stretchy. Oh well.

Bright Spots

I went for my prenatal intake appointment a few weeks ago. I'm a pretty healthy girl (except for the whole IF thing), and hadn't been to the doctor for anything other than fertility-related concerns in over 3 years.

The prenatal intake is extensive. They want to know about everything that has ever been wrong with you or anyone related to you. It's also a bunch of social history questions (drugs, alcohol, etc.). I'm pretty boring all the way around. Then she got to the psychiatric history, "Have you ever been depressed?" Until about a year ago I would have said no, not really. But as you can imagine, the experience of infertility can be a pretty serious blow to the psyche. The support of friends and family was great, but there really is something different about the therapeutic relationship.

I've mentioned going to counseling sessions a couple of times on the blog, but today I felt like giving a little credit to my therapist. I started seeing therapist last spring just before my first appointment with the RE. I've seen her almost every week since then. Some sessions it seemed like I didn't do much except cry. At other times we were able to explore my fears and feelings about family and what it is to be a woman. I've learned to examine myself and my reactions, and to be more authentic in relationships.

The day after I found out I was pregnant I was scheduled to have a phone session with therapist (we were traveling and I couldn't see her in person). On the phone with therapist, for the first time since getting the great news, I cried. I was overwhelmed with appreciation for the relationship that we have developed over the past year and for the ways in which she has helped me grow. That's the crazy thing about therapy. If done well, it creates space and a safe relationship where you are able to question, examine, and grow. Over a year later, pregnant and waiting, I'm a healthier person at least in part because of my work with therapist. I feel more ready to handle motherhood or whatever else comes. If it hadn't been for this whole IF thing, I might never have made the effort to go to therapy. That's my bright spot for today.

Disaster Averted

Thank you so much for all the thoughts and words of support. After resting for the past 2 days things lightened up considerably, so I went back to work today. I gave myself permission to leave anytime if the bleeding returned, but so far so good. The bleeding seems to have stopped and I feel fine. I'm definitely a little more guarded and cautious than I was before, but am mostly back to my positive pregnant self. Thanks again. I'll keep you posted on me and the babe.

Scared

Yesterday morning I woke up with a scare--bright red blood. Not a ton, but enough to cause a little freak out. I pulled it together enough to call my midwife who told me to come in right away. I was off work (day after my b-day) and planned to spend a fun day with MM and his dad who is visiting from China. Plans changed.

We left dad at home and went to the clinic to try and find out why I was bleeding. My midwife was great. She said bleeding is never good, but she bled for a month with her 3rd child--heavy--and everything turned out OK. So although she always takes it seriously, she's not quite as scared about it as she used to be.

The little one was still squirming around inside on ultrasound, heart beating and everything. My cervix was closed and long, but the bleeding was definitely coming from there. She said it looked like part of the placenta may have separated from the wall of my uterus. There's nothing to do but wait. She told me to take it easy for a few days and come back if the bleeding gets worse. So far I'm not having any cramping, I'm just laying around at home trying to convince this little baby to stick around. I was just starting to let myself be really excited now that I'm 14 weeks. I don't know what I would do if we lost this child. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's scary. We're just waiting--again.

Testing, testing...

The weeks keep ticking by, and the little life inside keeps growing. It's still hard to believe (you know, that I'm really pregnant and am going to have a baby). I think most mom's at this stage feel the same way, but maybe more so after infertility. It did become a little more real yesterday when we had the ultrasound for our integrated screen (more on that later). Our last ultrasound was 4 weeks ago. The little blob inside looked more alien than human back then. When our baby came up on the screen yesterday it was undoubtedly a baby. MM was so cute and excited. They had a monitor mounted on the wall so we could watch. He couldn't stay sitting by my side, he had to stand up and get a closer look. We got to see the little one squirming around, standing on his head, stretching out with his little arms behind his head (I'm using the male pronoun in the generic sense). It was lots of fun for both of us. When MM saw the printed profile shot he said, "I think he looks like me," and I think he was totally serious. I had to laugh.

The ultrasound tech said everything looked just fine. Baby measures equal with my dates and the area of nuchal translucency measured 1.2, which is good I guess. This ultrasound was part of the integrated screening test for Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and neural tube defects. It's non invasive and combines the results of a first trimester ultrasound with blood tests in your first and second trimester to give a personalized risk assessment. It's not definitive, since they're not actually looking at the chromosomes, but will give us some more information. Our risk at baseline is very low just because of my age, about 1 in 850 for Downs, 1 in 3000 for Trisomy 18. We almost decided not to do it after we got all the info from the genetic counselor, but since we were already there and we knew we were going to get to see the baby, we decided to go ahead. We won't get any results until after the second trimester blood draw.

In other testing news, I passed my 3 hour glucose tolerance test! So at least for now I do not have gestational diabetes. I'll get screened again in the second trimester, so I'm trying to watch my carb intake.

I think that's the latest and greatest for now. Here are two of the best pictures from the ultrasound yesterday. The first is a full body shot. The head is on the right, the belly on the left with a little hand sticking out in the middle. The second one is a profile shot of the baby's face with a hand up by his mouth. Pretty amazing to think that this little life is actually inside me.

Failed

I can hardly believe it. I had to do the screening for Gestational Diabetes in my first trimester since my dad has diabetes. I wasn't to worried about it. I'm pretty conscious about healthy eating, I'm active, and not overweight. Nothing to worry about. Then I got the results--failed. The cutoff is 135, my blood sugar was 143 an hour after drinking the glucola. It doesn't mean I have Gestational Diabetes, but I have to take the extended 3 hour test with 4 blood draws. Fun, fun. 

I had been pretty much sailing through this pregnancy thing. This is my first real bump in the road. It's not the end of the world, and completely manageable I know, it's just that this wasn't even on my worry list, and here it is. I'll do the fasting 3 hour test tomorrow. Vamos a ver.

10 week updates

Yes, it's been a while. I'm just not sure what to do with the blog these days. I didn't really intend to write another pregnant person blog--but I'm pregnant--and I have a blog. What to do....for now, I'll roll with the pregnancy thing.

"You look so...healthy." I'm still not exactly sure what this means, but I've been hearing it a lot lately. Is it my face, the extra pounds maybe? I'm only 10 weeks, and I haven't actually gained that much weight, but my body is definitely changing. It's strange and great all at once.

As for the birth center vs. hospital, for now I'm moving forward with the home/hospital scenario. The birth center is still my first choice, but logistically it's a little harder to work out. I still have time to change my mind though.

After my 8 week ultrasound checked out OK my RE said my miscarriage risk went down to less than 2%, so I've stopped worrying so much started freely sharing the good news. The various reactions have been great. Most people knew (or at least suspected) that we'd been trying for a while, so they've all been super-excited. One of my favorite comments was from a medical assistant at work in her 50's who I love and respect. She's a mom of 3 and a grandma. When I told her, she said, "I'd like to be your kid." One of the sweetest compliments ever.

So that's the update. If you are still reading and have any input about the status of the blog feel free to send a comment my way.